I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
