Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
