so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
