dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
