Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
