So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I pour the whiskey from now on
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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