I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
