this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
