hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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