Who wears a wallet chain?!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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