I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
