There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
