I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize