Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize