so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
