I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
