I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
