dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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