2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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