I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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