Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
sarcasm needs its own font
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
