i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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