I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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