i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize