Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
