but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize