DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
