WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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