he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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