how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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