you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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