So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
