Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
