Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize