My nipple is on Facebook.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
