The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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