I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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