everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
