I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
