this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
