Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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