Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
