I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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