i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
