That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
