I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
