I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize