oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize