I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
