There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
