We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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