I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
