she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
