She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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