Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
