I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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