What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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