Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
