Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
