if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
