WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
