you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
