Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize