I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
